Things my partner says

[garyrulez]

For those of you not familiar with the previous board, my business partner has a knack for saying just about everything that pops in to his head, no matter how weird or how personal. He loves more than anything else to talk about his- AND his family members- various health maladies. He also has zero filter for things that other people might find slightly embarrassing.

For instance, and I report this first only because it's the most recent, he just gave me 5 good minutes on how hard it is having feet as wide as his are.

[Amicustoall]

gary you tell him that he should be grateful as he has less chance of just falling over?!

I have to say that that is one of the least funny anecdotes about him you have shared with us.

[just blame craig]

well you know what they say about wide feet....:D

[garyrulez]

Amicus is right: that one was pretty weak. I promise many more in 2010. Here's a good teaser though, so people that haven't experienced his magic know what I'm talking about:

Our other partner is a young guy named Ryan who had some back problems from high school football. He had some tests done because his doctor was afraid it might be Rheumatoid arthritis. So, Steve (the partner) popped his head in my office one morning and said "good news! Ryan got his results back and he doesn't have arthritis. Or hepatitis."

Craig, answer: yes, I do know: wide shoes!

[Ellen from Saint Louis]

I care about this man. I care that Ryan does or does not have hepatitis. I would love to have a chat with him.

[garyrulez]

Ellen, I will open for you the window that is his soul:

SCENE: my office yesterday, he (apparently not noticing me working on something) walks in and sits down.

Steve: I just got off the phone with Bob Blake. You know it's been two years since his wife died?

Me: Uh...I don't think I know him or his wife.

Steve: No. You know, for the last five years of her life, he was basically just a stay home nurse.

Me: Steve, I really don't know either of these people.

Steve: Oh, I know. You know, towards the end they were pretty sure she had fibro myalgia.

[Philip]

It sounds like the dialogue from a Charles Portis novel.

[garyrulez]

Philip, then I should write a novel, because I have several dialogues like that a week.

[garyrulez]

This just in...

Me: How'd your meeting go last night?

Steve: Well, Tom's a Polish Catholic and Laurie's a Jewish American Princess...

Me: Uh...okay.

Steve: So, enough said, right?

Me: Okay.

[garyrulez]

Today, one of our co-workers who works out of a different branch stopped in. It's probably been 5 years since he was last here. My partner ran out and the first thing out of his mouth was "my wife just had surgery".

[Michelle in WI]

That is awesome. Thank you for continuing to suffer for the benefit of our amusement.

[Amicustoall]

Hey gary I think your partner was in California for the last week representing himself in my lawsuit!!

[garyrulez]

We have a big meeting tonight with the endowment board of a local Catholic High School.

Steve came in and asked me if we needed to be at the whole meeting or if we could leave after our presentation. I said that we should probably be there for the whole thing, because issues might come up where there's disagreement amongst the board and we're going to have to make sure to tell them where we stand on some of the stuff. Here's what followed:

Steve: So, we may need to "pull a Steve"?

Me: What?

Steve: "Pulling a Steve" is when you say something completely honestly, even if other people may not want to here it.

Me: I can honestly say I've never heard that term before for in regards to telling someone the truth.

Steve: Yep- "pulling a Steve".

Then, he started talking to me about his new Reebok walking shoes. After he left, my assistant came in and said "you should have pulled a Steve and told him you were way too busy to talk to him about his stupid walking shoes".

So, apparently, not only does my partner think he has some sort of patent on the concept of honesty, but he also has a really disgusting term for it!

[garyrulez]

Wow...wow.

Yesterday, Steve told me that he wanted to share something personal, which is when I get that same feeling you get when you instinctually feel that someone near you is in danger.

He said "Ruthie had her (makes motion of pushing his hands together) squish squish today and everything turned out good".

I said "I have no idea what you're talking about."

He said "you know- when they squeeze them together?"

Holy God in Heaven- he was talking about her mammogram.

[Michelle in WI]

Ummm...

Do you suppose his wife/clients/neighbors/strangers on the street he divulges all this lovely info about a) know, and b) are thrilled that he is doing so?

[garyrulez]

That is exactly what I most want to know- because at some point, someone had to come up to his wife and say "oh, your eyes look great after the surgery!" and she had to think "how the hell did this person know I had surgery?"

[Michelle in WI]

Oh, and "squish, squish"? Is he four?

Dominic calls speed bumps "Boom-booms" but I don't expect he'll still be saying it when he's 50.

[garyrulez]

I swear I'd give you context on this if I had it, but I don't. So here is an actual conversation as it happened. Steve was meeting with a client of his today and I popped my head in to say hi:

Me: Hey, Mr. Swoboda, good to see you. I just wanted to say hi.

Steve: We were talking about feet.

[Lacey]

I'd much rather have a boss that randomly talks about feet and surgeries than one who's incompetent. Kinda like mine. For example, I email him (and other editors) letting him know he can look at an article file. And when he's done, please pass it along to Naomi for a proof.

His email when he's done looking at the file: "Ready for the next step."

sigh.

[garyrulez]

Please, this guy is NOT my boss.

My boss, however, is totally incompetent.

[PolyesterAngel]

I'm with Lacey on this one. I'd rather have an amusing boss than an incompetant one :)

[Amicustoall]

I am so glad that those are mutually exclusive traits.

[garyrulez]

People sometimes ask me, why don't you just flat out TELL him you don't want to hear all this stuff he says? Here's why...

Him: Do you know what knob and tube wiring is as opposed to Romex wiring?

Me: No…and I really don’t want a full explanation right now.

Him: (short pause) Knob and tube wiring is the old one strand wiring….(followed with an extremely thorough explanation…)

[Michelle in WI]

Something tells me he and Martha would hit it off.

[garyrulez]

Martha is my new favorite person in the world, by the way.

[Michelle in WI]

That's good, since she might try and friend you.

[garyrulez]

My feelings for her are too special to be friends with her on something as trivial as Facebook.

[garyrulez]

From this morning:

"We went to Luchita's (a good Mexican place) this weekend and had a chance to talk to Tommy, the owner. You know, he's been sober for over two and a half years now."

It should be pointed out: my partner does not know this man.

[Den of Antiquity]

From this morning:

"We went to Luchita's (a good Mexican place) this weekend and had a chance to talk to Tommy, the owner. You know, he's been sober for over two and a half years now."

It should be pointed out: my partner does not know this man.

My guess is he immediately started drinking again as soon as the coversation was over.

[garyrulez]

Ha! I have a feeling that that five minute conversation was the longest 2 hours of his life!

[garyrulez]

My partner has an elderly client in his office right now who's here to update all his info on his accounts to make sure they pass to the right people. They went out for a second to talk to our assistant.

Client: You know, I'll probably go before my wife. She's about ten years younger than I am.

Steve: Yeah, that an all the radiation you were exposed to in those military tests. When was that? World War II?

Talking about other people's health problems, very common around his world. Talking about other people's health problems WHILE THEY ARE STANDING NEXT TO YOU? That's a new one.

[Michelle in WI]

Classy! He is awesome.

[garyrulez]

Okay, this was the START of a conversation. I won't be able to give you any frame of reference, because I don't have any. Remember, this was the very, very beginning of the conversation. In fact, it wasn't even the start of anything. I was just walking by his door...

Steve: So, the final count on orders was nine hundred fifty DOZEN perogies.
Me: Jesus...wow.
Steve: And we have to count them out and bag ALL of them.
Me: wow.
Steve: Well, it's like Ruthie (his wife) says, this is our sweat equity for the church.
Me: yeah, that's huge.

As I type this, I have no idea what any of that means.

Maybe I should start originating conversations right in the middle, too. I'll just walk up to him and be like "So, then the cop said if you don't put your pants back on, I'm gonna taser you again!"

[garyrulez]

*CODE RED ALERT* *CODE RED ALERT* *CODE RED ALERT*

Okay, the man who couldn't outdo himself has officially outdone himself...he just sent me an email with an update on something that was marginally bad. No big deal, really, just a minor blip, but I sent him back a slightly negative, sort of sarcastic response. His retort? And I swear to God on the graves of my grandparents that I'm not so much as changing the punctuation, let alone changing this in any way:

"I’se just the messenger Maasa"

I popped out of my chair (his office is next to mine and there's a window between the two) and started whisper-screaming: "YOU CAN'T WRITE THAT!!! YOU CAN'T PUT THAT IN EMAIL!!!! EMAIL?!?!?!?! THAT'S...THAT'S SO RACIST!!!!". Then (this is when I really flipped out) I started just pointing at my computer screen saying "THIS IS FOREVER!!! THIS IS FOREVER!!!"

His face was pretty much white at this point. The only thing he said (super quietly) was "I screwed up." I wasn't done screaming yet, so I said "YEAH, YOU SCREWED UP!!!". He said "what should I do?" I said "NOTHING! Don't try to make it better! Just hope that nobody in compliance reads it and don't do ANYTHING!"

I sincerely have moments where I feel like I live in an alternate reality that is 3-5% different than the real reality.

[Lacey]

ok, what? what the fuck is a "Maasa"??? Apparently it's something racist......?????

[garyrulez]

I hate to even explain it, but like the word "master" spelled in a horrible racist stereotypical dialect?

[Lacey]

oooh. Yeah, I didn't even get that. So HR probably won't either. haha

but honestly it's super, super funny to picture you going crazy, pointing at a computer and yelling "THIS IS FOREVER!!!!!!!" over and over hahahaha

[garyrulez]

Oh, believe me, the image was probably hilarious. To someone who wasn't staring at this email on his computer.

[Amicustoall]

OMG as an attorney I was like............why the fuck would an even semi-intelligent person write that down, much less memorialize it on a computer!!!??!!! It is hard to believe that anyone could not hear the inflection in the voice and the stereotypical dialect that was intended.

[Lacey]

"Inflection"

PS I must be stupid or something amirite

[garyrulez]

OMG as an attorney I was like............why the fuck would an even semi-intelligent person write that down, much less memorialize it on a computer!!!??!!! It is hard to believe that anyone could not hear the inflection in the voice and the stereotypical dialect that was intended.

Exactly what I was thinking as my head was spinning around.

[Michelle in WI]

Holy. Shit.

Wow.

[WeedMage]

yeah, that's bad. Even worse is that you have time to think about it while typing something like that. Enough time to turn the filter on.

But it's just bad that he even thought to say something like that.

[Amicustoall]

We have a secretary that has been here for over 30 years and she is over the age of 70........that being said today I get an ICQ from her that says, "Why does Google say Topeka" I replied "April's Fool!" She then says, no I am serious, it says that, and there is a news story and everything. She would not believe me that it was an April's Fool joke!

[Lacey]

You do know that Topeka changed it's name to Google for a while, and there's news stories about it, and that's the whole backstory, right? So that's probably where the "news stories" came from...

[Amicustoall]

Well it was a Google news story, and yes Topeka is now known as Google

[garyrulez]

Today, my partner is wearing the following: a white shirt with vertical blue stripes. A multi-colored tie with diagonal stripes and....wait for it....suspenders. Suspenders that are a totally different color than the tie or the shirt.

I'm waiting for the unicycle.

[designerfox]

Wow. This is hilarious. Gary, you should try to get a photo of his ridiculous sounding outfit.

[Michelle in WI]

Watch out for the fire extinguisher full of seltzer water.

[garyrulez]

Wow. This is hilarious. Gary, you should try to get a photo of his ridiculous sounding outfit.

I'm going to see if I can pull that off. Not sure how, but I'll try.

[Den of Antiquity]

Ask him if he'll make you a balloon animal. Maybe like a doggie or something. Then while he's standing there confused by the question, snap the picture.

[just blame craig]

*CODE RED ALERT* *CODE RED ALERT* *CODE RED ALERT*


"I’se just the messenger Maasa"

"THIS IS FOREVER!!! THIS IS FOREVER!!!"

I sincerely have moments where I feel like I live in an alternate reality that is 3-5% different than the real reality.

As I read it, I had a picture of that stupid Jar Jar Binks from one of the Star Wars movies, not a racist thing. But now I totaly see it.

[Den of Antiquity]

GR - since we haven't had a "Things My Partner Says" for a while, I thought I would share a work conversation I had with an Audit Manager yesterday.

We're being audited for year end, as usual, by one of the big four firms, who I won't specify by name, but their initials are "EY". Anyway, one of the juniors on the audit team is actually named - get this - "Twinkle". That's her real name on her business card. Met her the first day of the audit. Seems nice enough, not a stripper-type so I don't know where the name Twinkle came from. But hey, to each his own right?

So yesterday Ray the Audit Manager came into my office and the conversation went like this:

Ray: Twinkle will be out for a couple of days, but she'll be working at home.
Me: Oh, is there something wrong?
Ray: Well, she's sick and still contagious and didn't want to spread it around your company.
Me: Oh, OK, anything I need to be concerned about?
Ray: No, it's just pink eye.
Me: Wait. So what you're telling me is "Twinkle has pink eye?"
Ray: Uh, yeah. {Snicker.}
Me: OK, Thanks. {Snicker}

Ray leaves. I have to close the office door for a while to gather myself.

If I ever write a stream of consciousness song like One Week or Four Seconds, you can bet the line "Twinkle has pink eye" is going to show up in there somewhere...

[garyrulez]

That is awesome. So, a club I belong to had a concierge named Pixie for a while. Pixie was a very tall woman. Attractive, but quite the opposite of your image of someone named "Pixie".

Did Twinkle look like a Twinkle?

[designerfox]

Oh dear. I'm glad I have a normal, albeit extremely common name.

[garyrulez]

Today's fashion statement:

Dark suit with brown pin stripes. Purple shirt, purple tie. Navy blue socks.

[Den of Antiquity]

Today's fashion statement:

Dark suit with brown pin stripes. Purple shirt, purple tie. Navy blue socks.

Nice duds, Huggy Bear.

[Den of Antiquity]

That is awesome. So, a club I belong to had a concierge named Pixie for a while. Pixie was a very tall woman. Attractive, but quite the opposite of your image of someone named "Pixie".

Did Twinkle look like a Twinkle?

Nah, she's Indian or Pakistani. Looks a little like Princess Jasmine from Aladdin, but taller and less animated. I guess that makes her look a little like a Twinkle anyway.

[garyrulez]

Great use of "less animated"!!!

[garyrulez]

To refresh your memory on the concept of "pulling a Steve" from a few months ago, he essentially decided the entire concept of honesty belonged to him..."pulling a Steve" is telling someone something candidly and honestly, even if it might be tough to hear.

So...yesterday we had this conversation about my alma mater (which is NOT his alma mater). And, for context, we weren't talking about our personal gregariousness or anything, just about giving rates of high school alumni:

Me: So, they told me that in an average year, they get about a 23% response rate and in their best year, it was over 30%.

Steve: And I bet that's not even counting the $250 a year I used to give them when Bob and Judy's son went there.

Me: Yeah, well this isn't about you.

[Michelle in WI]

Ha!

So, was there ever any fallout from the email incident?

[garyrulez]

No, it seems to have gone unnoticed. Luckily for my racist friend. Actually, he's over 60, so he's not racist, he's "set in his ways".

[Anaria]

No, it seems to have gone unnoticed. Luckily for my racist friend. Actually, he's over 60, so he's not racist, he's "set in his ways".

You know, it used to be that old people died so it wasn't supposed to matter. But luckily the modern world keeps us all here past our time.

I'm not really sure what I mean with that...

[designerfox]

lol! I like stopping by this thread for a little pick-me-up :)

[garyrulez]

Well, you learn something new every day. Today, my partner told me he thinks he's getting arthritis in his thumb. Well, that's not surprising at all because a) it's a health issue and b) it's my partner.

Here's the crazy part: he originally hurt his thumb doing some crazy shit on a skateboard in 1965. The thought of this guy on a skateboard, let alone doing a high-risk trick is so beyond what my brain is able to process...

[garyrulez]

Today, Steve and I had a meeting with a marketing specialist. She pulled up our team's website, which has a photo of Steve and me on it.

My comment: I had to stand on a phonebook for that photo. True story.

Steve's comment: You know, I think I've lost some weight since they took that picture.


I pointed out to him that my comment was self-depracating, whereas his was self-congratulatory.

[Michelle in WI]

But does he have awesome suspenders in the photo?

[garyrulez]

Yes, but sadly, they are covered by a sports coat. Believe me, they're under there.

http://www.totalmerrill.com/TotalMerrill/system/ViewFAPage.aspx?pageurl=hovanwagner&locator=2C8C74AC-04AB-4D14-95D4-50E05906016C

[Jolena]

wow he looks exactly as I would have pictured him lol

[Ellen from Saint Louis]

Okay, NOW all your issues with your partner make sense. I knew you worked for ML, but I didn't know you were FAs (IRs?) in a branch. Now I see why you have issues with his discussing other people's personal issues. And I see he's a representative of your company, and standards must be upheld. I thought you worked at headquarters, like me, and he just talked too freely. This puts a different spin on it entirely.

[garyrulez]

Oh yeah, Ellen- I know as much about his clients' health as I do about his! He's been known to discuss it right in front of them.

[designerfox]

Yikes! This guy is... interesting :D

[Ellen from Saint Louis]

Of course, we old folks discuss health all the time, but if he is required by his job to be discreet about money, it would be hard to think he can keep his mouth shut about one thing and not the other.

[garyrulez]

Amazingly, Ellen, he's exceptionally compliant from a business standpoint. People's finances are about the only thing he's discreet about.

[garyrulez]

Steve just informed me that his daughter-in-law has an infection in her boobs due to breast feeding. This was accompanied by a helpful boob-flipping gesture.

[Amicustoall]

I bet she would throttle him if she knew he talked in the office about that.

[Ellen from Saint Louis]

It might be familial. I know my family was always very open about health issues, so I am as well. It probably doesn't bother her.

If course, that reminds me of the reception line at an in-laws wedding, when the woman next to me told all the wedding party her little girl had become a woman that very day.

[garyrulez]

Talk about too much info.

In this case, I don't get the impression that they're thrilled with Steve...sadly, since she had their first grandchild, she' done as much as possible to avoid seeing Steve and his wife.

[garyrulez]

Steve and I just had a five minute conversation about Bob. Apparently, Bob's hip surgery is supposed to take place tomorrow and when Steve was talking to him earlier today, he was afraid Bob was going to tell him they were pushing it back. Luckily, that's not why Bob called him, and the hip surgery is a go.

I have NO IDEA who Bob is.

[garyrulez]

Yesterday as I was trying to leave (coat in hand, computer off), I got 5 solid minutes on how Steve had the gas line installed in his house.

In 1986.

[Michelle in WI]

That is AWESOME.

[designerfox]

Yesterday as I was trying to leave (coat in hand, computer off), I got 5 solid minutes on how Steve had the gas line installed in his house.

In 1986.
Ah! His gas line is as old as I am!

[garyrulez]

Steve just got screamed at by a client who proceeded to storm out of the office swearing.

The client is a priest.

[becky11]

This is my favorite thread on any board. Ever!

[garyrulez]

I swear, it's all true- and I've honestly left some stuff off. Some of the best stuff.

[Cynful1]

My favorite part of anything Gary is his avatars. I'm sure you get people commenting a lot, but they crack me up because you change them frequently and I ALWAYS get caught thinking it's someone in the photo that I'm chatting with! Then I do a double take, see it's you and start laughing - right after I flip off your avatar. LOL!!!!

[garyrulez]

Thanks, Cyn! Must change avatar...hmmm...

[Cynful1]

Lol!

Damnnn youuuu, khaaaan!

[Cynful1]

That ^ was suppose to be all caps - you know, to convey the proper emotion - but my caps aren't translating. Gary, did you hex my all cap expressionism? Hmmm?

[garyrulez]

HA! SORRY, BUT I'M GOING TO HAVE TO ASK YOU TO LEAVE THE SQUIRREL OUT OF THIS.


He's nuts.

[Cynful1]

<grooooan>

[Den of Antiquity]

GR - you should really turn this into a Facebook group. If you get a chance check out the Facebook site "Shit My Dad Says." It's really freakin hilarious and in the same vein as this thread of yours, which is one of my faves as well.

And many thank to designerfox for reminding me just how old I really am. I was graduating from college in '86. :mad:

[Belyha]

Garyrulez, do you think your partner has Asperger's Syndrome, or is the emphasis just on the first syllable? He is truly the purest form of idiocy, cluelessness, and self-absorbtion I have ever heard about. It seems to stem from being totally moronic as opposed to malicious. My boss says stupid, insensitive and way too personal things too, but he does it in a very mean-spirited way and gets off on shocking and irritating all who come into contact with him. He doesn't have the fashion sense of Bozo the Clown, like your partner, but has extremely unsettling facial hair. His handlebar moustache is quite terrifying. He does have weaknesses, in that he is afraid of children and a total germaphobe (ironic because he is the Director of Special Education)- I haven't put that knowlege to use yet, but I am biding my time. WMWHAHAHAH!!!-keep the stories coming-don't hold back!:D

[garyrulez]

Sarge and Bel...this sort of responds to both your posts:

I truly, truly like this guy, and just beneath the first peel of the onion, he is a GREAT human being. He's kind, trustworthy, friendly, and a loving father and husband.

He's also entirely lacking in self-confidence, which is where I think most of his goofiness comes from. If you crack the door, he kicks it down. That's where the sharing comes from. In addition, he has absolutely no boundaries whatsoever. That's refreshing at times, because there's no pretense at all: what you see is what you get. At other times (such as those posted!), it's just hilarious, offensive, and waaaaaaaay over the line.

That's why it's so funny and at the same time endearing. So, I love to create humor out of the insanity,but at the same time, I'd never ever blow the guy up except in front of this small but appreciative audience.

[Amicustoall]

DOA shut the fuck up.............graduating from college, damned youngin!!! :D

[Belyha]

Sorry if I overstepped and let my alligator mouth outrun my hummingbird rear-end.:o- I guess I was projecting my mean-spirited boss onto your partner- (who said terrible things to and about me after I was coming back to work after a long and serious illness)- now I have a better read on it...High-maintenance, maybe-but he is YOUR high maitenance. He is more like this lady I used to work with in college- who drove us all crazy, and we all made fun of her, but no one else better.... For example: she was once telling me about how she had finally turned in her thesis (she had been working on this for YEARS -it was something with the school of music and opera direction) Nasrin: I turn in my thesis, but they say they cannot accept it because there are no coats." Me: What do you mean, no coats?-after a long while I realize she means "quotes"- she turned in a master's thesis with NO CITATIONS!:rolleyes:- and she got away with it-at least got the chance to re-submit and some poor sap to help her put in the proper "coats"

[garyrulez]

Exactly, Bel...he's a giant goof, but he's my giant goof!

[garyrulez]

Conversation from just now:

Steve: In case you were wondering why I have doctors' appointments scheduled for two days in a row...

Me: I wasn't.

Steve: Well, I've been checking my glucose levels for the past couple of years...

[Den of Antiquity]

Sarge and Bel...this sort of responds to both your posts:

I truly, truly like this guy, and just beneath the first peel of the onion, he is a GREAT human being. He's kind, trustworthy, friendly, and a loving father and husband.

He's also entirely lacking in self-confidence, which is where I think most of his goofiness comes from. If you crack the door, he kicks it down. That's where the sharing comes from. In addition, he has absolutely no boundaries whatsoever. That's refreshing at times, because there's no pretense at all: what you see is what you get. At other times (such as those posted!), it's just hilarious, offensive, and waaaaaaaay over the line.

That's why it's so funny and at the same time endearing. So, I love to create humor out of the insanity,but at the same time, I'd never ever blow the guy up except in front of this small but appreciative audience.

I see your point. There is a certain beautiful "human" quality in the pure honesty, regardless of how hilarious or over the line it gets. You've said before that otherwise he's very professional and does a good job, so you can't argue with the bottom line results. So that's a "plus/plus" then - entertainment AND a well performing partner??

[Den of Antiquity]

DOA shut the fuck up.............

No I will not. You may be able to silence my wacky libertarian view points, or my relentless and shameless plugging of my band, or my pro-Ed anti-Steve sentiments. But I will not silence my incessant complaining about how freaking old I am getting. :p

[Amicustoall]

Look DOA, you are younger than I am, so your incessant noting of your age directly impacts me because it makes me think............and he is younger than I am so I must be ancient! :)

[designerfox]

Aww, but it's nice to see such a range of ages. BNL has brought us all together! And Gary's partner has, too. :D

[Amicustoall]

designer I agree with you, and I am giving DOA a bushel of shit!;)

[Den of Antiquity]

designer I agree with you, and I am giving DOA a bushel of shit!;)

I agree with you too, DF. I find it amazing and special that my favorite band in the whole world is loved just as much by 30-somethings, 20-somethings, and my 15 year old daughter. It is amazing how their music transcends generations and age groups.

And Amicus I will GLADLY take yor bushel and add it to my massive stockpile that has already been given to me by so many before you. Welcome to the not-so-elite club.

[WeedMage]

I agree with you too, DF. I find it amazing and special that my favorite band in the whole world is loved just as much by 30-somethings, 20-somethings, and my 15 year old daughter. It is amazing how their music transcends generations and age groups.

And Amicus I will GLADLY take yor bushel and add it to my massive stockpile that has already been given to me by so many before you. Welcome to the not-so-elite club.

And 50-somethings!

[Amicustoall]

Weed you beat me to that one

[garyrulez]

Steve: Freddy (one of his clients) had those tumors removed and he went into GRAPHIC detail describing what they do.

Me: Yeah...well, believe me, you don't have to repeat the message.

Steve: He said "first they put the catheter in there..."

[KevinDontCallMeHearn]

This is seriously the most glorious thread I've ever read.

[Belyha]

Steve: Freddy (one of his clients) had those tumors removed and he went into GRAPHIC detail describing what they do.

Me: Yeah...well, believe me, you don't have to repeat the message.

Steve: He said "first they put the catheter in there..."

Ahhh this takes me back to my first job out of college... I am a speech therapist and before I worked in the schools, I worked a couple years on the medical side, in hospitals and nursing homes. This is the tale of how I got flashed and felt up, all in the same day:

I was working with a patient with alcohol-induced early dementia (but no, this is not a cautionary tale, kids..) I remember in morning rounds they had talked about how he had had a new catheter put in, but as the tech brought him into my office for his speech session, I was making small talk and asking how he was doing- he said "not very good," and before I could get out "you don't have to show me" he sure enough raised up his gown and let me see.:eek:..and only related b/c it is funny and happened the same day, I had to walk over to the other nursing station, where the permanent residents were-and there was this one little old lady you had to pass every time you went over there. I stopped to chat with her, like I usually did, and she was patting my arm-but kept on going. Then she goes, "those are breasts..." me: "yes, they are." her: "well, do you think mine are big enough?" me: "I'm sure they are fine." Then she went off about how the Indians were coming to get her-and I moved on with my day, feeling cheap and violated.:D

[garyrulez]

WOW!!! I guess the only thing separating Steve and that story is the dementia. God help me a few years from now...

[Michelle in WI]

You know he's going to turn into Martha...

[garyrulez]

Does Martha poop her pants?

[Michelle in WI]

I don't think so, because if she did, she'd be sure to mention it in her Facebook status.

[garyrulez]

That's true! The way we gauge things with Steve is pretty simple: if he hasn't told us, it hasn't happened. Because he tells everyone everything.

His brother-in-law passed away recently, and he came into my office, closed the door, and said "just so you know, I'm only really telling you and Justin (another advisor in our office) about this one".

About 40 minutes later, I heard one of our other advisors, Scott, saying "hey Steve, how was your weekend?" Steve's response: "Not so good. My brother-in-law died, and we..."

In Steve's defense, Scott pretty much forced it out of him. I mean, what was Steve supposed to do when asked how his weekend was?

[Michelle in WI]

It's a good thing he doesn't work for the CIA.

[Belyha]

Telelphone, Telegraph, Tella-Steve? (I couldn't be in the CIA either. My co-workers once gave me the "Best Gossip" award :o) Is WebMd his notion of internet porn? I just kinda smile at the idea of Gary on this board all day and Steve looking up interesting symptoms on the web.;) We all have our quirks...

[garyrulez]

Well, Steve was on vacation for the past week, and I will say this having had him back in the office today:

You don’t realize how debilitating it is to hear a dissertation on how to properly stabilize support posts while building a deck until it’s gone for a few days.

[Michelle in WI]

Ha!

Here's Martha's comment on my FB status (about the Isner/Mahut Wimbledon match) this morning:

HOW IS MR. DOMINIC. DOES HE GET TO PLAY OUT DOORS A LOT. DOES HE HAVE A SWING SET ? I BET HE IS GROWING SO BIG. I WOULD LOVE TO SEE HIM. CAN YOU SEND ME NEW PICTURE "? HAVE A GOOD DAY. MARTHA

[garyrulez]

At least she adheres to the strict rule of 1 question mark per paragraph (allowing for a second question mark, if that second is preceded by a stand-alone quotation mark).

[garyrulez]

Steve just said "Oh for Pete's sake!" in a really loud, "you're supposed to acknowledge me" sort of voice. I didn't respond.

I am now trapped in my office.

[Cynful1]

Pick up the phone and start shuffling papers when he comes looking for you. Also, don't forget to run your hands through your hair repeatedly, like you're ready to pull it out from all the stress you're under.

I was doing this looooong before Costanza.

[garyrulez]

The market is down 240 points here at 2pm and Steve is telling me about a prized breeding cow that was murdered.

[ProudMommy77]

The market is down 240 points here at 2pm and Steve is telling me about a prized breeding cow that was murdered.

Come on, now that's got to be a headline story somewhere in the middle of Saskatchewan.

Surely, you'll be sending the farmer a condolence card, will you not?

[garyrulez]

Come on, now that's got to be a headline story somewhere in the middle of Saskatchewan.

Surely, you'll be sending the farmer a condolence card, will you not?

You're right. It's big news in Saskatchewan...and my office.

Condolence card? I think we'll be attending the services!

[garyrulez]

Steve was just telling me that when he had a wireless router hooked up at his house he told the guy "I don't need it to do anything fancy, I just want to make sure I can get to the big websites, like Google and WebMD."

Should I have been surpised that those would be his "big websites"? No, I suppose not.

[Belyha]

Steve was just telling me that when he had a wireless router hooked up at his house he told the guy "I don't need it to do anything fancy, I just want to make sure I can get to the big websites, like Google and WebMD."

Should I have been surpised that those would be his "big websites"? No, I suppose not.

I knew it!! I just knew he was on that WebMD! :D Like the new avatar, by the way.:cool:

[Cynful1]

Yes, the new avatar will make me think twice before challenging you to a duel. Not like that squirrel. I could totally take that squirrel....

[garyrulez]

Actual email conversation with my wife today:

Me: Steve was telling me the diameters of the trees in his yard this morning.

Tanya: I actually nodded of while reading that sentence.

[garyrulez]

Well...here's one for your holiday weekend:

"You know, for my whole life I was never a good runner, and I always had trouble catching my breath. All the gym coaches would yell at me and call me lazy....it took 55 years to find out that my right nostril is disconnected."

My response: "Steve, there are very few people on earth I would expect to hear something like that from. And you are on that short list, my friend".

[garyrulez]

I just heard the words "bent noses", "token Irishmen", and "non-WASPs" coming out of Steve's mouth.

He's in conversation with our college intern.

[ProudMommy77]

Oh excellent. And when he goes back to write up his Work Report, his topic will be stereotypes in the workplace.

[garyrulez]

Oh, worse: it's a girl.

Yeah, I'm going to tell her not to put anything he ever says into her report.

[Michelle in WI]

Oh, my. That's not good.

WTF is a disconnected nostril?

[Cynful1]

I'm guessing it's like a novelty nose, unabridged.

[dq_29]

Since I'm rarely in this forum, I hadn't seen this thread. I just read it in it's entirety and I have to say I've been thoroughly entertained! And laughter is the best medicine...I feel great! Have a great weekend, everyone, and I can't wait to hear more stories next week. I'm sure Steve will have all kinds of funnies when he comes back after a holiday weekend.

[designerfox]

Oh no! I hope he doesn't scare your intern away. I don't know what I would have done if I had met Steve, or a Steve equivalent on my work term. :eek:

[Belyha]

Maybe the nostrils are where the "filter" that we are supposed to have to keep us from saying things out loud that we shouldn't is located? That would explain some things.;)

[garyrulez]

Maybe the nostrils are where the "filter" that we are supposed to have to keep us from saying things out loud that we shouldn't is located? That would explain some things.;)

HAH!!!! I think you hit it on the nose!




Sorry.

[KevinDontCallMeHearn]

I need to get a job with you man. I need to...NEED TO know this guy. I can move in with family I have in Walton Hills. It's not a bad commute.

[Belyha]

HAH!!!! I think you hit it on the nose!




Sorry.

Aaah! Nasal humor, while not as well-embraced as ass-related humor, it is in my opinion still a valid form of expression. I also enjoyed Cynful1's "unabridged" pun.:p

[Cynful1]

Aaah! Nasal humor, while not as well-embraced as ass-related humor, it is in my opinion still a valid form of expression. I also enjoyed Cynful1's "unabridged" pun.:p

Thank you.

Curious...we can embrace nasal humor and ass-related humor, but rarely are we amused by brown noses.

[dq_29]

Brown noses and ass humor I enjoy...because it's about character which can be controlled by themselves. But nasal humor I'm not into. Not when it's about looks that they aren't in control of. Now if we're talking about Michael Jackson nasal humor, I'm all for it since that was self-induced.

[Belyha]

DQ, glad to know that you are in full-control of your ass!;)- Brown-nosers! Hehheh hehhe good one again, Cynful1! Yes, I must agree that it might not be kind to make sport of the shape of a person's nose, but rhinoplasty gone amuck (Heidi Montag- add her and her hubby to my face-punch list- for example) and snot are always good for a laugh. Maybe my sense of humor has a deviated septum, but I look for it wherever I can find it.:D

[garyrulez]

Just had this conversation as I walked by Steve's office- please remember, I live in Northeast Ohio:


Steve: Is it Bell Atlantic that covers Northeast Pennsylvania?

Jon: Steve....

Steve: Oh, come on.

Yes- I have now officially been chastized for not knowing what regional phone service covers a geographical area of the country hundreds of miles from me.

[garyrulez]

Wow...before the ink is even dry on that one, I have another!

A guy in my office who is about my age popped his head in to talk about Louis CK's new show (which is brilliant, by the way). Within about 1 minute Steve had come over and was just standing there. First of all, is it me, or is it weird to just walk into a conversation two other people are having and just stand there? Seriously, I'm so skewed anymore about appropriate conventions, I'm not sure I even know if that's innappropriate still.

Anyway, he stands there for a good 120 count while I'm attempting to carry on a conversation that doesn't involve him, and I finally have to say "Steve, did you need something?" What comes next is what we refer to here as the Conversation Hijack:

"Well, this was way before you guys were born, but if you want to know about a comedian, Sid Caesar..."

So, my younger co-worker totally ditched me, and I got to here all about Sid Caesar. I guess I'll finish my original conversation some other time.

[Shardith]

First of all, is it me, or is it weird to just walk into a conversation two other people are having and just stand there? Seriously, I'm so skewed anymore about appropriate conventions, I'm not sure I even know if that's innappropriate still.


It's appropriate if you're a nosy nose about other people's conversations! :p

Actually, yeah, it's inappropriate, since the conversation didn't involve him and the two of you didn't give him any indication that you wanted his involvement. It seems he doesn't pick up on cues that most people would notice.

[Belyha]

I am extending a personal invitation to Steve to attend my weekly social communication skills class when school starts up again- of course the class is for 6th and 7th graders with autism and mild mental disabilities. Maybe you could send some video examples for me to show my kiddos what not to do...;) Wait- on second thought, I should probably not trust someone who doesn't know which carrier covers Pennsylvainia....Anyway- the occasional faux pas aside, he does seem to make life interesting around the office for you, and then vicariously for us.:)

[ProudMommy77]

"Well, this was way before you guys were born, but if you want to know about a comedian, Sid Caesar..."...

Reply, had I been present: Oh yeah, that guy who had his own salad dressing line, right?

[garyrulez]

That's a good one! But Steve's defenses are impenetrable: he would have just said "no" and continued right on with the story.

[ProudMommy77]

That's a good one! But Steve's defenses are impenetrable: he would have just said "no" and continued right on with the story.

Not even a dirty look for responding with complete ignorance? Oh, he's no fun at all!

[Belyha]

You have to appreciate that his pop culture references make you feel younger- like maybe he has a picture of Betty Grable somewhere...I am still laughing about him on the Web MD though... don't let him watch Dr. Oz though- that is a total freak show that will mess with your head- I had to draw the line when he had a show on parasitic worms the other day..:eek:

[Cynful1]

That's a good one! But Steve's defenses are impenetrable: he would have just said "no" and continued right on with the story.

I had a boss who would like to tell stories no one was interested and usually at inappropriate times. He was short and required attention. So I curbed it this way:

R: Did I ever tell you about my old roommate, Bob? Well -
Me: Jesus, Joseph and MARY! I have told you a MILLION times! Bob is the name of my ex-fiance! The one who left me at the alter in Guadalajara and also left me holding the bill for the sea side wedding he wanted because, to him, there was nothing more romantic then cliff divers silhouetted by a setting sun, which apparently was TRUE, because he left me for ONE OF THEM!!!! I have asked you to NEVER mention that name AGAIN!

And then I'd stomp away in a huff as I said the last line.

Another time:

R: You're not going to believe who I saw at the club last night. We -
Me: Well it must have been the liner notes for our conference call with FBS&P because I've spent the last 3 days going over them to make sure they're polished with any possible counter objective they can throw at us about why they haven't paid the first installment of their licensing agreement, when their 2nd payment is due next week, and now I can't find them, which means I will have to go back into my office now and remain there, undisturbed, while I try and piece together what I can from my hand-written notes because my computer crashed and IT is busy with some jack-off reason for why they can't deal with this emergency right now. Which is what I was just explaining to Natalie here when you interrupted and made this very important conversation all about YOU!

And then I'd stomp away in huff as I said the last line.

Of course, this was back in the days before Google or Wiki were at our fingertips, so I imagine, today, it would be something like:

S:'...if you want to know about a comedian, Sid Caesar...'
GR(not his real initials): Oh, you mean the American comic actor and writer known as the leading man on the 1950s television series Your Show of Shows and Caesar's Hour, who began his television career when he made an appearance on Milton Berle's Texaco Star Theater? Man! I haven't thought of him since we played a montage of his clips with Carl Reiner at my uncle's funeral. (begin quivering lip & misty eyes), my uncle loved the stars of early television, and it pains me that you would think I wouldn't know about those genius'. The time I shared with my uncle was short, but heartfelt - he was almost like a father to me. I've buried a lot of the pain I associate with his death, right along with those famous comedians. If I had it my way, no on would ever talk about the golden age of television in my presence because it's just too painful for me to bear.

And then I'd start sobbing as I said the last line.

[Michelle in WI]

The Martha fans among us will enjoy this succinct status she's currently sporting:

HELLO ; EVERYBODY;

[garyrulez]

Cyn, absolutely brilliant stuff. The only critique I would give you (and it's with a complete understanding that you don't know what Steve's capable of) is this:

Never EVER mention a funeral around Steve. He has a catalogue of funeral stories. Literally today, I told him about a client of mine whose brother was a Vietnam vet and just died ( I didn't even tell Steve this had happened, he just heard me on the phone), and Steve pulled out a friend of a friend of a friend who had been at Vietnam and was now dead.

Along the lines of your post, I'm thinking of trying a little "Stump the Band" with him and inventing a Chinese cross-dressing midget dwarf Sudoku champion I knew who passed away recently to see if that scrambles his brain. My guess is he's got a Chinese cross-dressig midget dwarf MULTIPLE TIME Sudoku champion funeral story.

[garyrulez]

The Martha fans among us will enjoy this succinct status she's currently sporting:

HELLO ; EVERYBODY;

Has Martha ever had any gastric bypass surgery? Colitis? Any cancers down that way?

Because if not, I will never understand this woman's obsession with the semi-colon.

[Cynful1]

Along the lines of your post, I'm thinking of trying a little "Stump the Band" with him and inventing a Chinese cross-dressing midget dwarf Sudoku champion I knew who passed away recently to see if that scrambles his brain. My guess is he's got a Chinese cross-dressig midget dwarf MULTIPLE TIME Sudoku champion funeral story.

Hmmm...seems he's the father of the Kristen Wiig character, Penelope, the nervous gal who shows up at gatherings, playing with her hair and one-upping everyone. So...um...ya...I'm going to say he, like, INVENTED Chinese cross-dressing midget dwarfs, Sudoku and funerals...ya...so there...mmm....

[Den of Antiquity]

Hmmm...seems he's the father of the Kristen Wiig character, Penelope, the nervous gal who shows up at gatherings, playing with her hair and one-upping everyone. So...um...ya...I'm going to say he, like, INVENTED Chinese cross-dressing midget dwarfs, Sudoku and funerals...ya...so there...mmm....

Or that he placed third in a Sudoku tournament in China that was played on a board constructed of 18" ceramic kitchen tiles using midgets with numbers on their shirts. He lost to Kim Jung-Il in the semifinals.

[garyrulez]

Awesome stuff. You guys are phenomenal.

Here's a little sneak preview for what will no doubt provide the next several months of "Things my partner says":

Steve started a diet yesterday.

[Michelle in WI]

Oooooh, that's going to be good...

[Shardith]

I came across a great quote today that reminded me of this thread:


"A healthy male adult bore consumes each year one and a half times his own weight in other people's patience."

- John Updike, Confessions of a Wild Bore

[Cynful1]

Steve started a diet yesterday.

I think you should hang this sign on your door:

http://img1.visualizeus.com/thumbs/09/02/03/inspiration,funny,desserts,retro,stressed,ad-3913a83c03db629c81892268821eb20e_h.jpg

[garyrulez]

Awesome! Truth be told, he's been fairly quiet so far about the diet...which I believe signals that the diet isn't off to a great start.

Now that I think of it, he spent 10 minutes yesterday telling me about a 2 1/2 hour dinner he had with some friends. Even though I was paying no attention, I remembered their names, because the wife is named "Marren Farren".

[garyrulez]

A representative from one of the money managers we work with just got a pretty major promotion, so I went in to tell Steve...

Me: Susan's not going to be our rep anymore, but it's because she got a pretty big promotion within her company.

Steve: Great- I'll have to call her and tell her that's it's because of diversity reasons.



For the record, he would never actually do that, but still- first reaction is that?

[just blame craig]

I wish I paid attention in college so I could work with you and Steve.




(By the way, if I had the balls to actually pull the triger, my portfolio would be up 112% for the last 12 months. I need to grow a pair.)

[garyrulez]

Yesterday, Steve gave me a ten minute explanation of the plumber coming into his house and all the work he did (how specific was the explanation? Well, it featured the word "flange" multiple times). My response was- and please tell me if any of you miss the hint on this one- "wow, that was a way more specific story than I needed".

So, today he told me the whole thing again. At the VERY start I said "yeah, you told me this yesterday". So, of course he apologized and stopped. Sorry! Just wanted to give you a little chortle! Hells no...he kept right on going and told me the whole thing again.

[WeedMage]

It's the plumber! I've come to fix the sink!

[Den of Antiquity]

Somehow I just got the image of Dan Ackroyd bending over Mrs. Lubner's old Norge refrigerator with his crack sticking out. Can't get it out of my head. Please stop.....

[ProudMommy77]

Somehow I just got the image of Dan Ackroyd bending over Mrs. Lubner's old Norge refrigerator with his crack sticking out. Can't get it out of my head. Please stop.....

Glad I'm not the only one who thought of that!

Have you considered sharing with Steve the inner details of your last physical at the doctors office? Perhaps he'd get the point then.

[Michelle in WI]

He would just counter with his own long-winded, overly detailed stories. Which I think you should do, just so you can tell us about it!

[garyrulez]

It's worse than just him one-upping me: he would also TELL everyone about my physical. I mean, he tells me when his WIFE has medical issues.

Ladies, take a moment and picture your husband's running off to the office and telling everyone about your latest breast exam.

[garyrulez]

Wow is Steve a great, great, great person. I was talking to him about how private high schools (we work with a couple of endowment funds) often have someone step up anonymously and just write a check for a student who might not be able to afford to keep going to the school.

The response: "We did that for...."

I had to bite my tongue to keep from saying "well, so much for anonymous..." Also, his charity stopped at $500, which is all very nice, but its not exactly paying a kid's tuition to a private high school.

[Michelle in WI]

Do you watch Curb?

"I'm anonymous!! I'm anonymous!!"

[garyrulez]

HA!!! Exactly!!! Wait, except for the part about actually WANTING anonymity.

[Cynful1]

Ladies, take a moment and picture your husband's running off to the office and telling everyone about your latest breast exam.

Oh I'll take that over him speaking ill of my last pap test. Yup, it was a real smear campaign!

[garyrulez]

Wow...the largest drum in the world couldn't provide that rimshot!!!

[garyrulez]

I went to a good high school. Nationally recognized, etc, etc. I don't say this to brag, but to set-up this latest installment:

Steve's son is a high school teacher in Minnesota, and Steve never misses an opportunity to remind me that his kid's school is better than mine.

Totally unsolicited yesterday (well, okay, we WERE talking about the school we manage money for), Steve said "how far away do kids come from to go to Ignatius?" I said "well, I guess there's usually a couple kids who come from outside the county, but mostly it's just Cleveland area". Steve's response: "At St. Peter's, they have kids who travel 2 hours each way. They have to take more than one train every day to get there".

Okay, this isn't a boarding school. It's just your average or better than average Catholic Prep school. Aside from some kid's car breaking down, nobody in history has ever travelled two hours to get there.

I graduated from high school 17 years ago, and I promise you, I don't walk around talking about how great my school was all day. Why, why, why are we doing this???

[garyrulez]

Sorry for piling on this morning, but I had to provide you with this quote of the day:

"One of my all-time favorite TV shows is ALF".

[Shardith]

Hey, didn't BNL name an album after Gordon Shumway? ;)

[garyrulez]

Sorry...I just have an impacted ass full of Steve already today.

[Shardith]

Sorry...I just have an impacted ass full of Steve already today.

Ouch, that sounds painful!!

[Belyha]

I am sure that 2 hour journey is uphill-both ways-through the snow- and they like it....

Try prune juice. Not for yourself. Give it to Steve to keep him "occupied."

[Den of Antiquity]

Oh I'll take that over him speaking ill of my last pap test. Yup, it was a real smear campaign!

First post to ever make me gag a little. Thanks for that. Something about the word "pap" just doesn't sit right with me.


GR -- sorry you're having such a tough week with ole' Steve-o. I must say I'm enjoying the heck out of hearing about it. Still my favorite thread ever and the #1 reason I keep checking this board regularly.

[garyrulez]

Thanks, DOA- good stuff on the other board, btw.

[designerfox]

I signed up for the other board, I never got the email to say my account was activated by a moderator :(

[Shardith]

I signed up for the other board, I never got the email to say my account was activated by a moderator :(

Did you try signing in? I'm not sure if I got an email either - I was just suddenly able to get in.

[Cynful1]

Thanks, DOA- good stuff on the other board, btw.

I signed up for the other board, I never got the email to say my account was activated by a moderator :(

Did you try signing in? I'm not sure if I got an email either - I was just suddenly able to get in.

What other board? Where? I must have been too busy enjoying my "Pap"st Blue Ribbon to notice. Ya know, The Smear that Made Milwaukee Famous! :p

[designerfox]

What other board? Where? I must have been too busy enjoying my "Pap"st Blue Ribbon to notice. Ya know, The Smear that Made Milwaukee Famous! :p
http://board.barenaked.net/ :D

[Cynful1]

OMG!!!!

And THIS is how I find out about it? You TELL me?!

Thanks Foxy! :D

Screw the rest of you, who didn't tell me so you could enjoy it ALL for yourselves!!!! :p

[designerfox]

Hahahahaha

I haven't even posted there yet. Maybe I'll saunter over for a visit.

[garyrulez]

When you ask a normal person "how was your weekend?" they probably say "fine, how was yours?". Steve says:

- his son's computer melted down, so he had to replace it with his old computer. Steve detailed for me what programs he had to remove, how big they were, and how long it took.

- they were supposed to golf yesterday, but Ruthie's hip was hurting her.

- they got 3/4 of an inch of rain.

- Steve's lawnmower blade only goes as high as 4 inches, and he had to set it to 3 3/4 when he mowed the lawn this weekend.

- they went out to the eastside to buy a new rug. They went to Crate and Barrell and Pottery Barn. The malls were surprisingly empty, according to Steve and there appeared to be seeral vacancies.

He's a good doctor, Jeffrey, and thorough.

[Belyha]

I have been seeing the promos for "Dinner for Schmucks" and thought of Steve, then told myself he probably wasn't that bad, but now I think you really might have a chance to win there, with him as your partner. You have to admit, you did open the floodgates by asking him how his weekend was....

[garyrulez]

You're absolutely right, Bel. I have no one to blame but myself.

[Den of Antiquity]

When you ask a normal person "how was your weekend?" they probably say "fine, how was yours?". Steve says:

- his son's computer melted down, so he had to replace it with his old computer. Steve detailed for me what programs he had to remove, how big they were, and how long it took.

- they were supposed to golf yesterday, but Ruthie's hip was hurting her.

- they got 3/4 of an inch of rain.

- Steve's lawnmower blade only goes as high as 4 inches, and he had to set it to 3 3/4 when he mowed the lawn this weekend.

- they went out to the eastside to buy a new rug. They went to Crate and Barrell and Pottery Barn. The malls were surprisingly empty, according to Steve and there appeared to be seeral vacancies.

He's a good doctor, Jeffrey, and thorough.

Wow. I was having one very shitty Monday until I saw this. What a wonderfully scatterred array of topics. Truly a Cliff Notes for a weekend to remember.

I'm not sure what cheered me up more - this, or the wonderfully rare Cynful reference to LA Story, one of my favorite flicks. And in that spirit, although it has been a challenging day, it's "nothing some sleep and a good f*ck wouldn't cure, as my mum used to say."

[garyrulez]

So, we have an app on our system that lets us put in notes for all of our client meetings and phone calls. Typically, you would write something like "Mr. Smith seems very satisfied with his performance...looking to retire in 5 years."

Here's a note I found today for one of Steve's prospects:

Mike's son "Kip" was born with a birth defect. His shoulders were too big to be delivered properly. His one arm is about 3 inches shorter than the other. Mike told me what the name of this was but I didn't catch it.

[ProudMommy77]

Just you wait. He'll find the name of it and then become the expert in it and that'll be the topic of the week.

[garyrulez]

You're absolutely right! I'm just dreading when these people come in here and Steve starts asking him about it...which he will.

[garyrulez]

Steve introduced me to one of his female clients yesterday with the following:

"Monica and I started working together when she was a freshman in college...and you're what, 43, 44 now?"

[ProudMommy77]

Tactful. You just can't find people who are as tactful as Steve. He's a real keeper.

[Shardith]

You should keep writing down things he says. He sounds like a situation comedy gold mine for some lucky writer - maybe that writer will be you!! :D

[pecurls]

OMG! This is right up there with my boss' 'word of the day'. I keep telling him to keep it simple, 2 syllables or under. One day he was describing a man that was honest and forthright. Instead he called him a 'fort worth' type of guy. That's when I stopped correcting him and started emailing my friends his "Word of the Day'.
Thanks for the chuckle, Gary :)

[designerfox]

Sounds like we have lots of book-worthy funnies going on :D

[garyrulez]

I was telling Steve about which parish grade school we'll be sending Gracie to when she's in kindergarten, and I mentioned that we were favoring one because it's a little more well-funded than our other option. Steve's response:

"Yeah, I wish at my parish someone was giving something... other than me".

Well, modesty left this building a long time ago, but still...wow.

[Belyha]

Well, "Oversharing" is his middle name.:p He's the gift that keeps on giving...

[garyrulez]

In the area of "how was your weekend?" "Fine" which Steve doesn't understand, I give you this:

His description of Saturday:

- He and Ruthie left the house at 8:15 and went to the ATM.
- Then they got gas for Ruthie's car.
- Then they went to the garden store- would you believe they had no seeds at all?
- At this point I said "wait! What color shirt was Ruth wearing?" He said "depends on what time of day you're talking about- black in the morning, pink later in the day".
- Then they went home and worked on the deck.
- Then they went to visit Nancy, whose father is sick and they were her "shoulder to lean on".
- Nancy's husband Jim was in Detroit for a classic car show so I got a detailed description, along with a little condescension that I wasn't familiar with this car show ("right down Woodward Avenue? They have over 20,000 cars in it?") ; For the record, we live about 400 miles from Detroit.
- Then wrap it all up with quick description of dinner, featuring time and distance from their house to the restaurant.

The best part? In the middle of this, he threw in a "to make a long story short". I almost choked on my water.

[Amicustoall]

gary thanks for brightening up my otherwise dreary and mundane day!:D

[designerfox]

Hahahahahha. This accurately describes how I feel right now.

http://dsfv.schnuerpel.eu/statement/i-love-this-thread-so-much.jpg

[Belyha]

Garyrulez, Garyrulez, Garyrulez...do you think that, let's just call them "unique" individuals are drawn to you personally, or are you just paying attention to the craziness that surrounds us all? And pointing it out to us with much hilarity? I too, almost choked on a beverage as I was reading your post.

[garyrulez]

I think I feign patience well with people like this, so they feel comfortable sharing...then again, Steve shares a lot with everyone. I may have recounted this before, but he came in a few months back, closed the door and told me that his wife's brother was very ill. You can assume this was a VERY detailed story. At the end, he told me to keep it quiet, because I was the only person in the office he was sharing this with.

Literally, I swear, ten minutes later one of our co-workers asked him how his weekend was. "Well, we had to go see Ruthie's brother..."

So, I'm not sure it's me...I'm just very lucky to be able to experience it.

[Michelle in WI]

I thought you'd like to know that yesterday morning Dominic woke up at 5, so we went downstairs. I changed his diaper (he still doesn't want to potty train, even though he's 2 1/2) and he had some milk and watched the Disney channel while I sat in a recliner and tried to rest. I didn't have any luck with that, so I was really tired. I was wearing these red pajama pants and a white t-shirt that says "Hug it Out"- thanks for asking, Gary! Anyway, so then I got up and emptied the dishwasher. There was a tupperware container that had tipped over and it was full of water. I hate when that happens. After that, I made Dominic some breakfast. Well, I tried to, anyway, but all he wanted was a banana. The dogs kept trying to eat the banana, so I had to keep a close watch on the situation. After we watched a few shows on Disney (Mickey Mouse, Little Einsteins) we got dressed- I put on a purple short sleeve shirt and blue capris, Dominic wore a blue shirt and khaki shorts- and we went outside, but you wouldn't believe the mosquitoes! We had to come back inside because they were so bad. Dominic has a bug bite on his neck, a big one on his elbow, and one on the inside of his arm. He has two on his back, and one on each leg. So then we played inside for a while before we went down to my mom's house to visit, because my brother and his wife are visiting from Chicago. They live downtown in the Printer's Row neighborhood. They have a really nice apartment. So then after we visited with them for a while, we had to come back home for lunch- Dominic had a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, carrots and a pickle, I had leftover lasagna-and then he took a nap. While he slept...

[garyrulez]

I'm sorry, Michelle, but after the "while he slept..." it just cuts off.

Is that the point at which you actually fell asleep?

[Michelle in WI]

Sorry, I had to take a phone call, but I appreciate you standing there, waiting, while I took the call and held one finger up, indicating you should wait. Anyway, while he slept, I figured I had time to get a little cleaning done, sweeping, vacuuming, etc, and would still have time for a nap before Dominic woke up. So I got the cleaning done- I love my Dyson vacuum, by the way!-and JUST as I was about to lay down, I heard Dominic wake up, so no nap for me! I went up to get him and we came downstairs. He drew in his dinosaur coloring book- he really likes the purples and blues, it seems-and then we read some books- Curious George, a few of the Pigeon books, and a book about trucks. It was too hot to go outside by that point, so I let Dominic watch Toy Story 2. Then my brother and his wife came over so they could visit, and they wanted to see Dominic's bedroom, which I had redecorated since their last visit. We all went back to my mom's house for dinner. She made chicken and my brother roasted up zucchini, squash and eggplant. He also made sangria with this wine his wife's boss had given them. He gives her a case of the "Stanford Club" wine every year. He went to Stanford, see, and they have this wine club. So she was talking about what a pain it's been having the Transformers movie filming right next to her office building. So, after dinner, Dominic and I went home and I gave him a bath. John got home just in time for Dominic to see him before bed. Then we watched Burn Notice off of the DVR, and by that time I was REALLY tired, so I went to bed.

[garyrulez]

Okay, so I'm giving you a B-. Better than average, definitely, but a few key points left out:

- I have no idea how many miles it is between your house and your mom's house, do I?
- You described who was visiting- the preferred method is to just start talking about them like I, too, have known them for my whole life.
- Not once did you imply something you did raised you up above the rest of humanity.
- Finally, and most importantly...not one person in this story had a very private health problem you could have elaborated on? C'mon Michelle: you're better than that.

You do get a super, super, super bonus star for one thing though: the first line about me standing and waiting while you take a phone call? Wow...at LEAST once a day.

[ProudMommy77]

Love it, love it, love it! My kids are looking at me like I have four heads right now as I continue to laugh while I type this.

But Garyrulez, you have to understand that Moms always feel like they put themselves above humanity when they take care of their children, especially at 5:30 am.

[garyrulez]

Ah, so this was an IMPLIED putting herself above humanity...I get that, I do...but nothing around here is implied.

Like, I just told Steve that walking a mile a day three times a week reduces the risk of heart disease, and he held up 4 fingers and said very intensely "I walk FOUR times a week".

[Michelle in WI]

Tell him my friend just ran 100 miles in 27 hours (she's crazy). In fact, you could say she is your friend. I bet he could top it.

[garyrulez]

I will...I'll have to work it in somehow, but I will post his response.

[Michelle in WI]

This is the race:

http://hardrock100.com/

[garyrulez]

okay, exact quote: "Speaking of the number 100, did you see Norfolk Southern is issuing a 100 year bond?"

[Michelle in WI]

That is outstanding!!

[garyrulez]

Well, today is Monday...let's see what adventures were had this weekend. Perhaps a trip to the craft store for thread? Maybe we filled up the car with gas- but HOW MUCH gas?

Should be exciting!!!

[Shardith]

Oooo oooo I went to the craft store for paper! I bet we'd have a LOT to talk about this Monday! ;)

[designerfox]

Wow. That is all I have to say about the 100 mile run response.

[Belyha]

If he was picking fly shit out of the pepper, I am sure he would tell you how many grains, and it would be more that you could do...but in a loveable way. I am using my limited reading time for some work stuff-hey I basically had a mini dust buster and soldering iron in my eye and I'm at work...and this board...I would almost be willing to sit and tell him about all my medical stuff, he would have a field day, just for they enjoyment of you all, but Garyrulez is the chosen one...Polyphemus out.

[garyrulez]

Bel, Steve would love to hear all about your medical stuff, I assure you. The other day he was talking to a prospect on the phone, and I have paying zero attention, but all of a sudden I heard him say:

"Which side did she have the stroke on, left or right?.....cool".

Clearly, this is important information which you can't manage someone's money without knowing.

[Michelle in WI]

Oooooh, what color was the thread? WHAT COLOR?

[Belyha]

Bel, Steve would love to hear all about your medical stuff, I assure you. The other day he was talking to a prospect on the phone, and I have paying zero attention, but all of a sudden I heard him say:

"Which side did she have the stroke on, left or right?.....cool".

Clearly, this is important information which you can't manage someone's money without knowing.

You know, medical issues can be quite expensive, and "ambulance chaser" comes to mind, but more for the thrill of the story for him than gain in Steve's case. How is his health, btw? I imagine him as relatively healthy but wouldn't be surprised to hear that he was a hypochondriac...

[garyrulez]

His health is decent. He is losing a few pounds right now, which I hear a lot about. His biggest problem is diverticulitis, which is not life threatening, but it is horribly disgusting- so, it's a perfect fit for him.

[Belyha]

Ah! Gastrointestinal Festival! I would suggest there would be many and varied ways to subtley (sp?) gaslight and play mind games with him (lovingly, of course)- but obtuse seems to be his middle name, and he would find ways to turn the tables on you- but think of us, and the stories you could share with us...for the team, GR, for the team...

[garyrulez]

The wife of one of my co-workers was going around selling popcorn for her kids' school and she said "Steve, why didn't you buy any?" I said "Shay, run- RUN!"

[Shardith]

Oh gosh, the coworkers selling stuff for their kids! Been there and bought that. LOL!! :p

[Michelle in WI]

We REALLY need to get him in the same room as Martha some day. Her latest posts from last night, on FB (I had uploaded a pic of the mess Dominic made in the living room while I'd made dinner):


THATS WHAT CHILDREN DO. HA. AND THEN YOU HAVE TO TELL THEM TO GET ITUP. I USE TO SET AND WATCH THEM, CLEAN UNTILL I GOT MAD AND I THEN LET THEM FINISH ON THEIR OWN.MARTHA IT IS HARD TO GIGFURE THESE THINGS OUT. SOME TIME YOU JUST GO IN TO THE OTHER ROOM AND LET THEM DO IT THE BEST THEY CAN . AND SOMETIMES THAT IS HARD TO DO. THE LITTLE RED HEAD, IS HE USING HIS TIME AND HAVING TATRUMS.


Followed by:


THAT IS NOT DIRTY, THAT IS ONLY CLUTTER. CAN BE GOTTEN UP QUICKLY. WHEN I WAS YOUR AGE, I FELT THE SAME WAY. BUT AFTER A WHILE Y.LLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLOU LOOK AT IT DIFFERTLY. BUT I WAS ALWAYS SCARED MY MOTHER WOULD SEE MY HOUSE DIRTY AND I COULD NOT HANDLE THAT. IF I KNEW THEY WERE COMING I WOULD GET BUSY AND CLEAN, RATHER IT NEEDED IT OR NOT. HA. MY MOM WAS ALWAYS CLEAN AND SO WAS MY GRADMOTHER. NOTHING OUT OF PLACE . HA. mEP

I think she's really outdone herself this time.

[garyrulez]

Well, there is one thing I can totally agree with Martha on this one: I can't GIGFURE it out.

[Shardith]

My GRADMOTHER was pretty clean too.

Wish I could figure out this one word: Y.LLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLOU

[garyrulez]

I haven't had time to mentally digest this one yet, but I just learned that Steve was the band librarian in high school.

I have no idea what that means, but I don't think it's the same as captain of the football team.

[Shardith]

He's the guy that took care of distributing or collecting the sheet music, most likely.

[ProudMommy77]

You know, it's always nice to see that the most meaningless jobs can have a very fancy title. Good on you, Steve! Obviously your alphabet is pretty good.

[garyrulez]

He's the guy that took care of distributing or collecting the sheet music, most likely.

So, he was the band's water boy?

[garyrulez]

Well, you guys don't know the shot to the nuts I just took for you all. I asked him what the band librarian did. I got 12 good minutes on:

- his librarian partner Paul who was a "fat little kid" and is now a tall skinny Marionist priest ("you remember St. Thomas Aquinas? Near East Side?" "No, Steve, that was forty years ago")

- the differences (and they are plenty) between the tuba and the sousaphone, why John Phillips Sousa invented the Sousaphone, and the difficulty of playing certain pieces.

- And finally, because it wouldn't be Steve without a little self-aggrandization: did you know before he started high school he'd never played a single note on the tuba???

[Belyha]

Thanks GR, b/c we needed to know this. Just be glad the story didn't start with, "and this one time at band camp...."

It is official, Steve is KIng of the Geeks. All of us lesser geeks must bow down in servitude. My brother was a band geek and I worked at the Library in college, and those librarians are 40 kinds of crazy. This explains so much.

[ProudMommy77]

GR, you really did take one for the team. Bless you! Be sure to wear a jock when you ask him if it's the same John Phillips of the Mamas and the Papas. ;)

In the meantime, I have to say my knowledge of music just increased about 0.1%, which technically means I learned something today.

[designerfox]

After the last few posts I can only sit here and blink while my mind tries to comprehend all the Steve and Martha stuff.

[garyrulez]

Well, everyone, excellent news for me, terrible news for you: Steve and the lovely Ruthie are off to the Northwest for 2 weeks.

I assure you though that the time away will be gold as far as this thread is concerned. Be warned: don't expect to hear anything interesting about the beauty of Washington and Oregon, but be ready to hear a lot about rental car gas mileage and water pressure levels at various hotels.

[Belyha]

I am breathless with anticipation- and I am sure everything hinges on whether or not they "make good time"...:p

[Shardith]

One of the most beautiful sights coming into the Portland airport is the lovely vision of snow covered Mount Hood...but Steve will probably prefer to describe the condition of the plane's lavatory in favor of any natural beauty right outside his window.

[garyrulez]

Well, Steve did NOT take long to get back up to full speed after his trip!

They went to a river where salmon swim upstream and the national park system has a monitoring station set up to count the fish that are mating. Here was what I got:

"We got in with a woman who was the curator of the monitoring station, and she got us in to the actual room where they count the fish- and NOBODY gets to go into that room!"

[Belyha]

Yesss! Yesss! A Major Award! The Steve-equivalent of a leg lamp...You know, I think HE should be the one to be counting spawning salmon..Oh how I have missed him, and you too, Garyrulez.;)

[garyrulez]

A huge Two-for today!

Me: Steve, the meeting is set for October 19. That's a Tuesday.

Steve: Oh, that's the day after my 34th anniversary...

Me: Cool!

Steve:...of my mother dying.

[ProudMommy77]

I'm sorry, here I am laughing hysterically at what was, for you, a very difficult moment. But damn, that was priceless. Only Steve could come up with an anniversary announcement for a death date.

[garyrulez]

The fish story has taken a MAJOR step up in re-telling:

Steve had a guy from our trust department on the phone for a half hour. That poor bastard had to hear the entire story about Steve's trip from the minute they left the house until the plane touched down in Cleveland...anyhoo, here's what made me spit out my water:

I was trying very hard not to listen, but this is what I heard...and I think I have to break this one down line by line:

"You're familiar with fish counting, right?" Okay, what the FUCK does that even MEAN? How do you answer that question? This guy is an urbanite Trust Specialist- not a hatchery owner. Why in holy fuck would he have any clue what fish counting even is????

"We got to go into the room where they count the fish." See above- wow. You were priveleged enough to do something so boring that no one else would want to do. Now, here's where it gets amazing:

"Getting into that room is like getting into NORAD." Now, I was JOKING the other day that he was putting this fish counting thing on par with Fort Knox...oh no! It's WAAAAY beyond Fort Knox...it's NORAD! And then, just in case my Trust guy STILL didn't understand the international signifigance of what he was hearing, Steve closed with a big:

"I mean, NOOOOOBODY gets into that room!"

The fucking things I put up for you people's entertainment.

[Shardith]

It's like getting into NORAD?? What, do these fish have frikkin' lasers on their heads?? :D