Things my partner says

[ProudMommy77]

It reminds me of that early Simpsons episode where the fish have three eyes.

Now, did he get to physically COUNT the fish? Because if not, then I've just lost all interest in this story.

[Michelle in WI]

I've heard you have to be Delta Force to get in that room. Doesn't he get that if he talks about it, he's going to disappear to a black site in Kazakhstan or Syria????

I really fear for his safety.

[Belyha]

Not me. Steve jumps in where angels fear to tread, then says something completely inappropriate, then carries on while other "normal" people, even Delta Force Operatives are slack jawed in amazement that someone would actually say that...He is the captain of the Super Social Faux Pas Strike Team. Fear him...:p

[Michelle in WI]

Ha!

Oh, and the 34th anniversary of his mother's death? Seriously? Wow. Do any of you watch Curb Your Enthusiasm? It reminds me of the episode when Funkhouser's mother dies, and he tells Larry "I'm an orphan, now." (The man is 60ish years old)

[garyrulez]

WOW! Hovan is Funkhowser....incredible.

And Bel, you're exactly right. Where James Bond would smash a smoke bomb on the floor and escape through a ceiling tile during the confusion, Steve just tells his would-be attackers about his wife's latest mammogram ("where they squish them together?") and walks out of the room.

[Shardith]

"Where they squish them together"...oh dear lord....

[garyrulez]

Warning: today is Steve's birthday.

Please stay near a computer for important updates.

[Michelle in WI]

Can't wait!!

[Belyha]

Yes, waiting with bated breath (stupid expression, what does it mean?)-- Actually holding my breath b/c 1. a close talking coworker w/horrible coffee breath. and 2. a group of kind. kids in my tiny room, they boy was wearing overpowering cologne and then I think someone farted-or I suspect- did something worse.:eek: Luckily, they had to go to library w/their classroom teacher. I am the speech/languge teacher. that is neck up.

[garyrulez]

Well...it's been amazingly subdued around here today. Short of telling me he knew the exact date of his first IRA Required Minimum Distribution (7 and 1/2 years from now), there's nothing to report.

[ProudMommy77]

I suppose he's just waiting to give you the low down on what an awesome party he had and every minute detail of his gifts. Bring it on!

[Michelle in WI]

Okay, today you need to say "So, did you do anything special for your birthday?" Get out a notepad and a pen, and stare at him as you wait, pen to paper. Tap your foot.

[garyrulez]

He irritated me the second I walked in today, so I didn't talk to him too much.

For the first time in about 5 years, he showed up before me today, and the second he saw me come in he did that obnoxious overly dramatic look-at-the-watch thing.

Oh- and one of the assistants was out last week, so when she came back Monday he said "who's the new girl?" AH HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAAAA!!!!!

[Belyha]

People who think they are really funny but aren't are either really funny or arent.;)

GR, you can probably tell that I really enjoy the suffering of others, but none so much as I enjoy your suffering. Thanks for taking one for the team...

[garyrulez]

Steve went to Chicago this weekend to visit his son and daughter-in-law and his son's friend, a cardiologist, was there visiting as well.

Steve started telling me how they were pulling into a parking garage that was $17.50 for the first hour and then meandered down a road with 50 examples of how cheap the cardiologist is (he bought a car for $5, he lives by himself in a tiny house, and it's unbelievable because he makes $500k a year, you get the drift). So, after that, the story was pretty much over.

I said "weren't you talking about a parking garage?" And he said "oh, right- he wouldn't pay it."

Which I knew from the first sentence was exactly where that story was going, but Steve got so into the "how cheap is he?" tha the completely forgot the whole reason for the story.

[ProudMommy77]

GR, it's all quiet from you. Steve not his talkative self lately? Or have you finally been able to move into the "ignore status" that you've always wished you'd be able to do with him?

[garyrulez]

Sorry! Our office moved to a new location this week. Still trying to get my head on straight. The good news for you is that Steve still lives next door to me, and I don't think the move has changed his outlook on life...not 1 hour ago, he was standing in my doorway cleaning his glasses with his hankie.



Of COURSE he has a hankie.

[Belyha]

Please tell me it is monogrammed!!! Missed you GR- course I haven't been around much lately either.

[barenakedfi]

Never noticed this thread before, and spent a long time reading all about Steve... great fun.

Puts me in mind a little of the admin in our office. Infuriating in almost every way, but sort of endearing at the same time.... self-absorbed, hypochondriac, EXTREMELY neurotic... but also very very funny.... at the risk of "doing a Steve" and offering more information than you need... I'll give you a few examples:

She helps herself to to other people's personal speciality teas & coffees they've brought in & kept in the kitchen, but keeps her own private stash in her drawer so no-one can use them.

She locks away all the stationery and staff have to go through her to get anything. In our old office, she produced 2 pens... one for each staff office... and labelled them. Egged on by a mischievious nature, one of the team kept removing them, so she had to replace them, one by one. We've been in a new office for over a year now, and he's recenty been gradually reintroducing them, complete with the old office names on! Then he removes them again (just to mess with her head).

The recent system she's introduced is to put out 14 biros for the 7 staff who use this office and instructed them to label 2 each... so she can monitor who's losing their pens (Mr Mischief has already hatched a plan to remove everybody else's one-by-one). We in the managers' office were not allocated any pens!

She gave me her sign in details to an online account I needed to access. When I went in, I found she'd described herself as Office Manager.

She won't use a toilet that is also used by men

She left her last job because people used to swear, even after she complained (bet she was popular there!)

She had a hysterectomy 11 months ago. 2 weeks ago she asked me to carry a flask for her because she still had a month or two to go before she could lift anything. Having had this op myself some years ago, I couldn't resist pointing out that the lifting rule actually lasts 3 months. Despite this, caught her getting someone else to carry a cash box for her a couple of days later.

She insists on bringing her own tap water in to drink, but in a vinegar bottle... and is never seen without it... so she now has a reputation for drinking vinegar in meetings.

When signing in & out of the building, all the staff round their times to the nearest 5 minutes. Admin markes her times to the nearest minute. If her lunch is delayed, she has been known to say "I was supposed to start lunch 2 minutes ago, so I will be taking lunch until 2.02pm. If she's held back at the end of the day by a couple of minutes, she will insist on taking it back the following day.

Until work forced her to go a couple of years ago, she had never stepped foot in her nearest city (about 20 mins away), because cities are evil places and she will be attacked/murdered/mugged the moment she does. As a result, she insists on lifts or cabs if she ever has to enter the city limits (actually, the city limits come to about 200 yards of our office).

When she swine flu was at its height, she developed a detailed plan of how someone should sneeze into their sleeve, should they find themselves out of reach of a tissue. She also stocked up on 140 paper face masks (we have a total staff team of 17)

Whenever something's happened to her, or she has a new symptom of something, she tells every person as they arrive at her desk to sign in... and always says that she doesn't want to make a fuss and have all the team know about it.

When we interview for new staff, she insists on "feeding back" her impressions of the applicants as she's processed their documents. Worst case was when she ensured, halfway through the interviews, that we were aware that she didn't like one applicant (a gut feeling) and she felt we should know.... I mean WTF are we supposed to do with that? Fortunately for the applicant, we recruited based on the person specification, not on the admin's personal preferences!

[garyrulez]

It was a long time coming, but...

Jennifer was just talking to one of Steve's very nice older clients about our new office, and she said "you'll have to come in and see us".

Steve ran out of his office after she was off the phone and said "Don't make too many references to him about "seeing us", because he's damn near going blind".

Jennifer said "well, I'm not going to tell him to come in here and feel us".

[Belyha]

Well now, Garyrulez, we can all take a few tips on sensitivity from Steve. If the whole financial advisor thing doesn't work out for him, I foresee a bright future in motivational speaking and running sensitivity training seminars.;)

[ProudMommy77]

Oh Steve, how you've brightened my day. Always putting others above yourself.

[garyrulez]

Steve: So, why are you going to Vegas on a Sunday and Monday?

Me: Because it's way cheaper- we're staying at a 5 star resort for $129 a night.

Steve: Yeah, that's kind of like when I went to Chicago and stayed at the Westin for $289.

Me: Yeah, except this place is a million times nicer than a Wstin and it's $129.

Steve: ...

[ProudMommy77]

Missed this earlier, GR. How long did Steve stay stunned in silence after you said that? Or more properly, how long did it take him to process he got ripped off?

[Belyha]

What is sweeter that a great deal on a trip to Vegas, baby? One-upping the Steve and leaving him in silence. I say run with the high rollers, you are obviously on a lucky streak right now...Have fun!:D

[garyrulez]

Thanks for the well wishes! Money-wise, didn't go so well, but it was fun...

And PM, Steve's response to my comment was just some stammering. He was a little taken aback I think. Oh well.

[garyrulez]

Since I know you'll all be thankful this holiday for my "things my partner says" updates here's a couple for you:

- he called an Asian friend of mine "Oriental" about 7 times.

- he insisted on telling me how much some friend of his was worth after I told him 3 times to stop talking. He really didn't understand the logic in my argument (which was basically "some people don't like complete strangers knowing how much money they have").

[Belyha]

Tis the season to be jolly, and being highly inappropriate knows no season w/Steve. I would wager that the holiday office parties are interesting for you.

[garyrulez]

Steve was just telling me how much he just wowed a salesman:

"Typical Hovan, the guy said 'these things have been out for weeks and you're the first person to ask those questions'"

You don't get to "typical Hovan" yourself!!!!

[garyrulez]

Ladies, would you want your husbands going around telling people that you have the highest bone density that their doctors had ever seen? Especially when used to explain why you're overweight?

[Belyha]

HA! Typical Hovan...he's full of....information.;)

[Michelle in WI]

Isn't the main problem with him that he doesn't really grasp what a "Typical Hovan" is?

[garyrulez]

Exactly, Michelle...sadly, the people on this board are more aware of a "typical Hovan" than he is.

[garyrulez]

They say that in this business, you end up with a book of clients who are very much like you. Friday I was talking to one of Steve's clients, an elderly gentleman named Fred.

Fred: Can ya tell me when I get my next dividend?

Me: Looks like the next one will be on Decemeber 30th, Fred.

Fred: That's when I gotta go back to the urologist.

Me: Oh, well, I hope it goes okay...

Fred: They're gonna stick a tube up my weiner!!!


Yes...weiner.

[ProudMommy77]

I find it fascinating that Steve's clients talk about all the same things he does. Some things are just meant to be.

[garyrulez]

I don't know what category to file this under, so let's just call it weird...Steve and his wife went and hocked their high school and college rings this past weekend.

Now, if you're having a rough spell or you have kids to feed or your utilities are about to get turned off, I totally get that. Well, Steve's very comfortable financially, and he's had a great year.

So isn't that just....weird?

[ProudMommy77]

Did they actually get any money for them? Who wants a college ring from 1972? I'm not so sure if they are collectors items -- I'm sure eBay has the answer to that one.

Now wait -- maybe he went to one of those there "Ivy League Schools". Then I could see it being worth a few bucks. Few.

[garyrulez]

There's only one thing inherently valuable about Steve's rings: gold.

[garyrulez]

Well, it's been a while, but popular demand (1 person) had demanded (asked nicely) that I return with more golden tales that are hilarious to everyone in the tri-state area (except me).

Actual quote: "Herman Cain has that whole oreo cookie thing going for him".

Okay, so I don't know what's worse: the spectacular racism of that term or the spectacular mis-use of it.

[Belyha]

Oh Garyrulez! How I have missed you and Steve. I think it makes perfect sense that he would be fascinated by Herman Cain...they might just be from the same planet. :):)

[PolyesterAngel]

Gary, I can't believe your partner hasn't had anything funny to say since Halloween!

[garyrulez]

Wow, I've been negligent! Didn't realize it had been that long!

Okay, here's a very quick one from recently:

He came into my office and said very somberly "you don't get a lot of sleep when you're just thinking about how your bride is doing after her surgery".

What I wanted to (but didnt') say: "dude- she had LIPO!"